The fact that the genders have remarkably different reproductive functions tell me that our respective male and female brains are quite different. How can the genders possibly think alike when each has such distinctive functions? Even how each gender experiences love surely is different from one another. I believe how a female experiences the feeling of love (with a male) is a complex combination of hormones, circumstances, as well her own psychological makeup. I believe that a man has less of those factors in favor of a stronger emphasis on experiencing love (with a female) through her respect for him as well as through his physical body when he mates with her (through release of oxytocin that helps him feel bonded to her). Females may characterize this as shallow or superficial, likely due to simply being unable to relate. In his 2015 book The Rational Male Preventive Medicine, author Rollo Tomassi describes this as their “rejection of the legitimacy of the male experience.”
Men are equally if not more perplexed as to how females (being more feelings based) process their emotion of romantic love. As men, our interactions with women will almost always suffer a fair amount of the “lost in translation”. Naturally, this is a two-way street between male and female that leads to conflict because of communication errors. Each gender feels its method of thinking, behavior, and communication makes perfect sense; but in many instances of conflict, tempers can flare.
We can easily recognize that male hormones cause boys to engage in all sorts of risky behaviors. Having been a boy long ago myself, and now as the father of one, I can testify how true this is. Parents of daughters have their own challenges. As adults we stabilize somewhat, but I insist that there remain some distinct differences between male and female in mentality just as in physicality. Our hormones continue to drive this divide into the reproductive realm. Males tend not to be cyclical, but rather more consistent in our drive to mate. Females have menstruation and ovulation to create a more distinct and dynamic hormonal cycle each month.
Through evolution (intelligent design if you happen to be religious) human females can appear fertile and even engage in sex throughout most of the month. During a narrow window of time each month called ovulation, their minds and bodies will be most horny. Ovulation lasts maybe 24 to 48 hours. In some mammals, there is estrous (or going into heat) while human ovulation is “concealed ovulation”, as it is less obvious. In most species of animals, the female will not tolerate sexual advances by males outside of her ovulation or estrous cycle. Indeed, males of the species will not likely bother because there would be no behavioral, visual, or pheromone signals coming from the female outside of her window of peak fertility.
Humans on the other hand, have far more sex than is needed to maintain our population. English zoologist Dr. Desmond Morris in his 1967 controversial classic book Naked Ape explains his theory that long-ago tribal homo sapiens adapted to use sexual interactions as a form of bonding and emotional connection. That can help create a situation where a male is more likely to stick around with a female in order to experience more frequent mating. This benefits her (and the kids) since she gets more protection and provisioning from said male. This connects back to the topic of fathers and how valuable an asset we are to a tribal group or nuclear family unit.
As men we have likely observed what we think are fickle and mysterious cycles of sexual desire in women, particularly in long term relationships. In addition to actively becoming more manly to trigger female desire, it is wise to raise our awareness even more. We are only half of the equation after all. Men are vaguely aware of female menstruation and how that business works, but less aware of how it relates to ovulation. Despite human females actively concealing their place in their monthly cycle, that cycle still has some profound hormonal effects. Here is the good intel: counting the first day of bleeding as day one, count forward to fourteen days on the calendar and that day will likely be ovulation. Estrogen peaks the day before ovulation. In addition, a woman’s testosterone level will temporarily increase as well, making ovulation a woman’s horniest time window that month because her body is trying to fertilize that microscopic egg. The egg will remain viable for a week or more following ovulation (so use protection).
Social status, quality DNA, and protection historically came from a few high value men. Our female ancestors sought those males and covertly competed with other females to get some of that action. Forty-five thousand years ago (according to a September 24th, 2014, article in The Guardian magazine) less than 30% of men reproduced. Today the ratio may favor females even more than in the past. A June 14, 2017, Pacific Magazine says that according to recent genome research, only 20% to 25% of men reproduce today. Obviously if a female wants sex only one day per month, she will have zero chance to keep a male interested in provisioning for her and her offspring. As just mentioned, males really do experience love with a greater emphasis on physical interaction than females. I believe lack of physical intimacy can lead to failing relationships; the male simply feels unloved by his partner. Conversely, when males only seek the physical and abandon the emotional triggers that stir love in their female partner, relationship problems will also ensue. Keep in mind the importance of developing “marriage game”, especially around that seven-year mark in your romantic relationship (if you want to keep her around).
I argue that males still retain the primal urge to hunt, fight, and cook meat outdoors on a fire (okay, maybe a smoker or grill). Another caveman urge we have retained is the instinct to mate as frequently as possible. That urge makes things simpler for females, be they in or out of a relationship. “Playing the field” is usually socially acceptable for a single guy. If men did not do this, how else would females be approached? Ultimately, females are the true mate selectors, and primal instinct plays a role here as well.
Around ovulation time a female will likely wear more revealing clothing, more makeup, and actively seek sexual attention. Her body language will be more enticing, and her thoughts will be more sexual. Hormones cause her to “feel” this way. Biology is incredible in the way that it affects the subconscious mind. She does not want the signs to be overtly obvious, but subconsciously she wants them to be noticeable to high value males. With a bit of observation, we can pick up on those hormonally driven signals. These feelings and behaviors are not so easily bent to females’ conscious control, but they can be measured (and even monetized).
A December 2007 article from The New York Times magazine entitled “Lap Dance Science” by Rebeca Skloot is absolutely worth a read. A study of 5,300 lap dances showed fascinating results. Strippers that were ovulating made about fifteen bucks an hour more than those not ovulating; menstruating strippers earned fifteen dollars an hour less than those not ovulating. Clearly ovulation is a woman’s most seductive time of the month, and it will show.
It has been said that men use love to get sex and that women use sex to get…everything else. Nature and women themselves have sought to maximize the benefits of females at least appearing and/or behaving in a sexually receptive manner outside ovulation. Women’s cosmetics, flattering clothing, and even perfume and some shoe styles are all designed to be just seductive enough to be appealing to men. This might help a woman keep her man interested, but female competitors also have the same tools available.
Women have evolved to capitalize on our urges, giving them the prerogative to use their sex as a tool or a weapon. Check out the book Why Women Have Sex by Cindy M. Meston, PhD, and David M. Buss, PhD. The two have identified 237 different sexual motivations in their study of 3,000 women. Seducing a male, taking revenge on a competing female, getting pregnant, and seeking validation are just a few. The book even points to research that indicates that females during ovulation experience heightened sense of smell; sufficient to detect the presence of disease and even physical asymmetry in men. Ovulating females are more sexually attracted to men with deep voices, V shaped torsos, and those six feet or more tall (to such a degree that today 12% of women get pregnant from a male outside of her long-term partner). Some females are not against getting a “side piece” themselves, they just keep quiet about it.
The two authors also say that of women who cheat, about 80% do so because they are unhappy in their relationship; they become emotionally involved or otherwise fall in love with the other man. Meanwhile, most men that have extracurricular sex are happy in their long-term relationship but screwed around simply for sexual variety (something that was more socially acceptable for both genders among our hunter-gatherer ancestors).
Why Women Have Sex also explains the concept of evolutionary advantages that can be gained by a female outcompeting other females to access a top male. We men might tend to think that competing is strictly a male realm, where males fight it out to impress the hottest females. That mode of thinking is based around the scarcity mindset and only partially accurate. A man that develops himself to a high level without trying to impress females, will rise above other males in the process. Women naturally want to be selected by one of these rare dudes and will excitedly compete with other females to gain his attention (and semen). The irony is that at this elite level, he no longer needs to obey the female agenda of being exclusive.
One of my good bros has experienced this and now agrees with me. He has been married, divorced, and now in his late twenties has been on the path of self-improvement for a while. He has been getting after physical (and fight) training, developing an Alpha mindset, and otherwise actively getting his shit together in life. He said to me “Z, even though I am on the path it feels like I am not a true Alpha.” When I inquired why he believed that was the case, he replied that he had chased women since his teenage years, but recently no longer bothered chasing because he was “so busy doing HIM”. His focus was off females and on the discipline of building a quality life. He felt like less of a man because he was not doing the chasing despite simultaneously dating three hot babes that each knew about the other two!). He was curious as to why for the first time in his life three women had all selected him and were now (in rotation) actively sexually competing to please him each week. I reminded him that his sexual market value was on the rise due to his age, physical development, and disciplined lifestyle whereas in the past it was much lower due to being younger, less disciplined, and desperate for female attention. He now is a more developed and independent man than ever before, and this is precisely what drives women wild.
Strangely enough, multiple men have told me practically the same story. These men have simply entered top male territory and the “rules” no longer apply. At this level, a man is attractive to virtually all females thanks to the phenomenon of female mate selection. This dynamic puts him in a powerful position to flip the script, much like a rock star. He can breed virtually as many of the choicest females as he cares to bother with. He can now be a mate selector himself and opt for one of these women as a long-term partner or exercise his abundance mindset and choose not to settle for one woman. I caution these men that their sexual market value will likely only increase into their late thirties and beyond (provided they stay on the path of masculine self-improvement).
Meanwhile on the flipside, most regular guys are sexually frustrated and confused about why “life isn’t fair” because of the obvious lack of attractive females interested in them. Totally understandable but know that boys and men have been lied to about what drives female desire. Being agreeable and compliant with females for example, usually proves to yield the opposite of our desired result. Instead, try retaining or developing a separate masculine “self” as it tends to make a man more attractive. Not to say that we must get to a level that we are banging multiple women in rotation, perhaps just cultivating a more erotic relationship with one female is what you are after. The “friend zone” is not a good point of entry in either case. For a man that finds himself in the “friend zone”, it is important to get out now. She is not realistically a good sexual option. The friend zone is a place that a woman stores guys that may or may not be useful to her. It is a powerful framework that females create and that some guys fall into with the hope of getting closer to said female and eventually being chosen for sex.
I think it is important for a man to maintain his masculine mindset while at the same time having a level of compassion for women. Just as we have our baggage, so too do they. Just as we have our particular mating instincts and frustrations with the opposite sex, females have their own hormonally driven mating agendas as well as their frustrations with us. Women are not the bad guys, but then again, they are not looking out for your best interest either. It is naïve and foolish to think otherwise.
Instead of that desperate Beta male nonsense let us ask (before getting involved with a female) this question: What does she offer to provide that you cannot provide for yourself? Author Oheen Imara suggests that what you offer to a female in a potential relationship is largely measurable, definable, and quantifiable. What a female normally offers to you, however, is usually only abstract benefits. You provide shelter, provisions, security, luxuries, travel, etc., she offers companionship, love, and the “possibility of sex.” Imara mentions how her offerings are actually not something she herself can provide alone because two parties are needed to create them. You provide the other half (if not much more) of the companionship, love, and the effort of sex.